I have found that so much of my life has been spent trying to be one thing or trying to not be another. This has penetrated so far it has essentially taken over almost all my moments spent with others. At first I was preoccupied by not taking up too much space. Physically and metaphysically. Then I was preoccupied by not talking too much, but by not talking too little either; I have to be good company, right? Then I grew into the habit of managing my energetic field with other people around. I would make sure I was holding my aura at a particular distance and that it was sealed off so at to properly maintain my “space”. This began becoming compulsive and made it even more difficult to be naturally comfortable. How can you be relaxed if you have to routinely check whether or not your energy shield and grounding cord are in working order? While later on in your practice you learn that you don’t have to consistently keep up on these things, it can get out of hand if you let it. That’s conversation for another time I believe.
I had the realization today that it is okay to merely be. I hear myself say this and at first all I hear is cliche vernacular directed at young white women of a certain age. Perhaps it’s in the air and I’m just catching on a little late. I have often felt uncomfortable around people and have had to work on all of these things I just mentioned. Working to actively engage my authenticity while knowing immediately before and immediately after an energetic boundary has been crossed.
Today I actively chose to practice merely sitting and watching a show with the company of others. I did not intentionally pull my energy in so as to not get in anyone’s way. I did not “tune in” to make sure I was comfortable distance away. I did not take up this time with mentally validating why in fact it was okay that I sat and watched this show. I actively worked to actively forget that at one point I was taught to not take up space at all. To forget that once upon a childhood I was made to feel like it was my duty to get out of the way because we are second citizens and probably faster than others anyway. What a belief to hold as a small girl. What a weight to carry on your tiny shoulders that probably can’t possibly get any smaller even if you should try; maybe try a little harder I could hear them say still.
I don’t believe I am alone in this. I know that as a grown woman, as a Millennial and an energy worker, I have taken up the obligation of healing myself and my lineage. I have agreed to come into this body, at this time, in order to make up for all the other men and women in my blood that also were made to not hold their own space. Or those that held their space too strongly. Neither of these are necessary in a world where we must be present in order to heal.
Today I chose to sit and take space. I healed my mother and their mothers by not doing a single thing today out of obligation. I healed my father and their fathers by taking up as much space as a 5’8”, 145lbs woman can on a couch in full energetic bloom.
What a life to live by actively choosing to be instead of having to be.
Thanks for listening.